May 21st, 2005

Time: 09:16 pm

Passion, it lies in all of us, sleeping, waiting and alothough unwanted, unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws and howl. It speaks to us, guides us, Passion rules us all, and we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the sorce of our finest moments, the joy of love, the clarity of hatred, and the extasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more then we con bare, if we could live without Passion, maybe we'd know some kind of piece, but we would be hollow... Empty rooms, shuttered and dank, without Passion we'd be truly dead.

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May 15th, 2005

Current Music: Lola Ray Time: 10:18 pm Current Mood: exhausted

Wanting brings me down in a whoosh, feet planted, breathing shallow, head light. There's only the wanting. Bring my lips to his and it's sculpture comes alive. Every muscle in his arms flexing as he pushes himself up, pulls me under, slides on top. The weight of him forces the air from my lungs like a bellows, but still it comes out as the lightest of sighs. And there's his mouth again on mine, a heat, a pressure, a promise of things to come, a promise i'm rising up to meet. His fingertips are a whisper on my skin. Move my mouth to the salty skin of his neck. Something inside me falls away. It's as if ive stopped breathing for a moment. Im hollowed out. Searching The warm fingers trail down, hesitate, then brush past. "Wait....," I whisper. He doesnt hear or wont listen. The fingers, strong and sure and not entirely unwanted, are back, the while of his plam cupped against me. I want to run. I want to stay. I want both things at once. His mouth finds mine. I'm pinned to the earth by his choice. I could just float here, lose myself inside him and come out reborn as someone else. My whole body strains up to meet the pressure of him. his choice could be mine. he could swallow me up, if I just let go. Let go. Let go. Let go. My hands slide up against the slick skin of his chest and push him back. He falls away. His weight gone feels like a limb missing and the need to pull him back is nearly overpowering. A dark angel just out of reach.

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April 28th, 2005

Current Music: HelloGoodbye Subject: someone Time: 03:08 pm Current Mood: discontent

I want to feel love. Not just the stupid love everyone feels, but that REAL love. The kind that can never be broken, the kind that even if you got in a a fight you would make up 2 seconds later because you knew it was dumb. The kind of love that isn't based on sex, lies and videotape. The kind of love that doesn't end in a month or two or three, or even in a lifetime. I want a love that lasts forever. I just want to be in true love. REAL, unrequited, lovers love. The kind where I am up to my fucking eyeballs in complete happiness... I don't want to fake it anymore...please..someone... Give me something real. Give me something I can reach out and hold when I feel like there is noone else who cares...give me someone that will listen to me even when it makes no sense. Someone who can love me for who I am and not force me to change. I don't want to fake it anymore...I just...can't fake it anymore... Someone who can sing to me when I can't sleep, hold me when I can't stop crying, help me when I make a mistake, laugh at me when I make a complete fool of myself but then tell me that it will all be okay... I don't want to wake up alone anymore in the middle of the night crying because I know there is no one there. I don't want to be afraid of going out alone because I might just pick up some random guy to keep me company. I want, no...I NEED someone to love me. To make me feel complete. Someone who doesn't care if I whine too much, hurt too easily, don't like sports, can't stand most people, become a bitch when I'm mad, dance horribly, sing my lungs out in the car in a whole other language I don't even know just because I can't hear myself. Just give me this one thing since you have taken everything else away from me...please...just this one thing. I'm so alone...

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April 26th, 2005

Current Music: Nothing because my stupid ass ipod broke! Time: 04:17 pm Current Mood: AH!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

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April 25th, 2005

Current Music: Brand New Subject: opps Time: 08:15 pm Current Mood: ouch

Opps... nicole did something bad.....

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April 21st, 2005

Current Music: MCR Time: 08:54 pm Current Mood: Lost

i feel like ive become lost in my own thoughts..ones i feel are right end up leading me astray...i dont know how i feel about anything anymore...my life just seems like one big bore..i need to get of my ass and break though those doors..but i find myself in that darkend coner on my own again..lost in my own little world. -Nicole

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April 20th, 2005

Current Music: MCR Time: 09:22 pm Current Mood: indifferent

I guess ill tell you what went on last weekend, since im bored and things are boring. I went to the movies on thrusday night with Kristin Lauren and Lindsay! i Hadnt seen lindsay in a long time and we saw the Ring dos.. my second time. Fun stuff Amy was there and i was like "STALKER" it was quiet amusing. Friday night went to Wired and say my beloved's and Cinjin was there so what a surprise. Not really cuz he told me he was coming but still its fun to think of it that way. We played with a Wegi? board out by the lake thing and Laura Ema Kate Ducky and Amanda scared the living hell out of us by hiding in the bushes. O well. and then the rest of the weekend was fucking boring as ever oving hell. Ok now you know! woot.

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April 17th, 2005

Time: 09:49 pm Current Mood: confused

Im so confused. Life is just really strange for me at the present time. On the up side i no longer have feelings for Christopher. SCORE ive been waiting for the day my heart moved on. *sigh* but now what am i going to do about the one that is lodged in there now. -Nicole

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April 14th, 2005

Current Music: The Ataris Subject: why? Time: 05:57 pm Current Mood: confused

WHY DO I LIKE HIM SO MUCH!?

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April 2nd, 2005

Current Music: Hidden In Plain View Subject: blah Time: 03:03 pm Current Mood: blah

So yeah.. i dont like LJ and maybe it just cuz im weird.. so shiza! But anyway.. i went to this Raffle Ticket selling crap and sold like 3 becuase i didnt want to talk to the old people.. I hope Drumline kicks ass at comp. and still has enough energy to sell tickets in the morning HAH! -Nicole

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March 13th, 2005

Current Music: Usher Subject: dsgbbadfhsfngsfg Time: 11:37 am Current Mood: ugh

Kills self..... I dont think this is going to work for me. The Spring Break thing gives you to much damn time to think........ and i think i really really like him... I just dont know if he feels the same... I need to talk to him, He so much fun to talk to. And Unfortunatly im not talking about my B/F.. sad really. Turns out i figured something about myself of this spring break and well blah -Nicole

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March 2nd, 2005

Current Music: Unwritten Law Subject: Yeah so Time: 03:07 pm Current Mood: Meh

Yeah so like.... blah is this I really dont like LJ that much... but ill write in here anyway Yesterday i gave Cinjin his Birthday Present and he was happy and i was like YAY i made someone happy! woot and today was well... a wed. I cant wait till spring break.. i just dont want to be in school right now! aghhhhh! I got a 52 on my practicle and a 79 on my test and im averageing an 81 in bio! so im happy! To the HATR! YOUR THE EPIDTME OF AWESOMENESS!

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February 24th, 2005

Time: 06:16 pm Current Mood: blah

yeah.. i should probably write in here.. but see nothing has really happened... sha la.. i like this dude that Bri just broke up with.. eheh Chris.. and brittney said i should go after him but i dont know if he even likes me so.. blah -nikki

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February 19th, 2005

Current Music: Hidden In Plain View Subject: ::sigh:: Time: 11:33 pm Current Mood: blah

Today isnt even really worth mentioning seeing as it was boring and meaningless... I cant wait till i can drive i will never be home. I woke up around 11 and only my dad was home but by 12 he was like im going to go help your mother with the gardening out in fairfield.. i was like w/e cuz i thought one of them would be back it time for you know THE DAY NOT TO BE OVER. So i sat around the house all day and did nothing, i talked on AIM and Watched tv and took a shower thats basicly what i did. So when my mom got home she made dinner for the neighbors and every thing and blah blah me and my neighbor went to blockbuster then B.Robins for some Ice Cream and i got a coffee shake.. then we went back to their house and watched The Village which isnt a terribly bad movie but its not really good either... so yeah. Then i was scared to walk home even though the monsters in the movie arnt real.. (opps did i ruin it for ya haha) but yeah anyway now im home with nothing to do writing to you about my boring day... -Nikki- P.S- Hope you had a better day then me... ehehehe

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February 18th, 2005

Current Music: American Hi-Fi and The Starting Line Subject: Todays Events! Time: 03:05 pm Current Mood: crazy

AHHHHHH! Today was like WOOOO! It started off like CRAP.. because Bri had some 'issues' and it was all everywhere and then Ashlee found out about it (i want to kill her) and she doesnt like Bri so she asked mr martin for a pass to go tell the front office (bitch) and Bri didnt want anyone to know about it. So the AP and one of the consolors(sp?dont really care) and they took her out of 1st period and searched he things. UGH and i was worrying about her ALL day up till before 6th period when i found her and i was like OMG ARE YOU OK! I LOVE YOU! and we talked a little and then i went into english. Well yeah that was it and like afterschool we were all like YESS shes ok and i was hugging on her and gave her a BIG KISS on the head of course. and we were being dorks and there was a huging circle and i got in it and was like YAY cuz there was 2 hott guys in it haha. and that was fun and like afterwards Kail (sp?) like grabed onto my jacket hood with his TEETH and like pulled we alomost all the way to the buses i was like WOOOO but Bri saved me haha. and Grant sprayed me with MY own water bottle thank good it barley had anything in it. And i gave the water bottle to KAte cuz she loves my water bottles haha. And i got a hug from Meagen! yay awesomeness and today was pretty great near the end YAY! and i dont think i have any h/w so sweeeeeet!

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February 17th, 2005

Current Music: The Starting Line Subject: shablah! Time: 07:03 pm Current Mood: rushed

DUDE! I got my sore throat back.. NOOOOO it was gone for ONE whole DAY and now i decided it want to torture me.. so i tortured it back with MEDS yessssssss... anyway. I ate CEREAL for dinner yay.. cuz no ones home.. i think they all died.. the WORLD is dead.. UH OH! Its funny how i can be so TEEHEE while im sick.. i just think i got fed up with having to burden people with my problems it kinda felt wrong.... ugh. BUT ANYWAY I love this song! hehe i got my The Starting Line cd out and started listening to it again i was like O YEAH thats why i like them. hahaha there good. I wish they would make a new LONGER cd. Cuz i hate buying cds that only have like 4 songs on them. but lets seeeee today... Band: I love the music we're playing. I never thought i would ever say that but i really really love it! Comm App: haha A HOW TO speech and guess what i did hahaha How to put together a clarinet.. woot i felt so stupid but what else could i do? ::shrugs:: Spanish: ugh so boring we took notes on.. unequal something or others.. Math: Is SOOOOO easy were into a geo. and im like EASY. but im glad im doing geo in summer school because i would hate to have to do a whole year of it ick! Then in advisory i went a sat by Josh and he kept putting his shoe on my so i took and undid the laces.. hehe. THATS WHAT YOU GET! Lunch: was lunch but BRITTNEY HAS A BOYFRIEND! YAY hahaha NOW ITS MY TURN YALL! godddddd. Biology: I took my plant test and i think i did really well cuz i pretty much knew what it was talking about the whole time. but ehehe i got a 55 on my practicle... good gosh! My grade just went down like WOOOOOO. English: I dont fucking know if you could have a boring-er class.. not the people in it but the class itself. I tried to read A Tale Of Two Cities but i couldnt i seriously couldnt i almost feel asleep literally my eyes were getting heavy as a read.. i was like nooo i have to read this stupid book so i just ended up pretending to do my packet and writing notes to Kim..we were both agreeing that the book was ICKY! After school was after school... Kate got down to 1 bottle of beer and i got to hear the very end 1 bottle of beer on the wall 1 bottle of beer take it down and pass it around NO BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL! YAY! Now i think i probably should go read the horrible book ATOTC! icky icky!

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February 15th, 2005

Current Music: Maroon 5 Subject: What I put myself through these days.... Time: 06:07 pm Current Mood: crappy

1. I have a 77 in spanish and a 79.2!! in bio so im hoping she will boost my bio grade but my moms going to KILL me... I hope you dont want to see we ever again.....not a problem really. 2. I feel like an idiot because i confessed how i really fell about someone to them and I just feel weird. I cant explain it, Im avoiding/dreding the moment i have to come back to reality and deal with it 3. Mom mother has us doing this "excersize" thing, and not that i dont mind that much i mean spring breaks coming up and i want to look good in my bathingsuit, but these bike rides are hella long and i dont excersize enought to put my body through that, why cant we be normal people and go to the GYM. 4. Im suddenly self concious..... when did this happen... when did i start worrying about what other people think... ugh this BLOWS.... I HATE BEING ME/TEENAGER! ... Kinda lonely also.... I really just want someone that cares for me that i can give a recieve love from without it going horriblely wrong. When did guys become so important you ask... when everyone else has some one intested in then and im left to say YIPEE FOR YOU!/ I hate this.... ::grumble:: -Nikki-

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February 13th, 2005

Current Music: Sugarcult Subject: ::sigh:: Time: 02:05 pm Current Mood: drained

O yes yester i must say... I went to old navy and got some stuff and a like 5:30 Katie came over and we took her to the cook off with us where we goofed off and got in trouble by the janitor cuz we were walking around the school haha and she got to see our band hall for the dirst time and she sayd its way bigger then thiers so i was like YESSS we rule! cuz we do! Anyway we sat around and ate chilli and my mommys got 1st place woo... and Charles came over and we hung with him and he called chris and it was kinda embarassing...... yeah anyway we watched the cologuard do there nice little routines and that was all good and then we took katie home and i went and babysat and thought about Chris and katie and i where being naughty. ehehehe and then i was bored and stayed up till like 3 (so did Cinjin he just doesnt believe it/know it) haha thats about it and now im sitting here waiting for something to do.....something, to, do ::sigh:: _Nikki_

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February 7th, 2005

Current Music: Halifax Subject: SHA LA! Time: 07:20 pm Current Mood: bored

I got my medal today cuz we got a 1!!!!! YEsssssssss. Anyway lets see what went on today. Before school- Was kinda late because i left my clarinet at home, which doesnt even really matter cuz we didnt need it anyway so when i got there i was all looking for people and found trisha and blah blah blah 1st period- got my medal... yay! 2nd- ummmm did class work and there was this weird journal asking if i could stop loving someone who would it be and im not telling anyone! 3rd- umm boringness of all SPANISH! God we didnt do anything, we were suppose to start writing are scripts for the project but i just waited till i got home to translate it because i feel more comfortable here. 4th- Just did stuff out of this booklet thingy and then just sat around boring i listened to my Halifax cd in advisory though that was nice. 5th- Umm took notes on protista its aweful i dont know how im going to remember all that stuff... ugh 6th- holy jebus thats got to be the most boring class. anyway we took the last test on romeo and juliet and then we have to write a story book thing and i made up the script for my group and i think its awesome because its so stupid. YEssssss After School- went to my locker cuz i forgot my spanish crap and then was kinda late talking to everyone. I took my medal out to put it in my backpack and the Andrew took it and i was trying to get it back and he was all like 'what is this the best fondleing award' its was kinda funny i just think he wanted me to touch him hahaha anyway after that i went over to kates bus and gave her a hug and i found out that Mitch/McKay rides her bus, hes soooo pretty but hes a sophmore... blah. Yeah and then i rode home on the bus which is always 'fun'. thats about it nothing exciting at all... as i said routine as always.. ugh!

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February 5th, 2005

Current Music: HALIFAX! Subject: todayness Time: 06:15 pm Current Mood: cheerful

O wonderful, wonderful day! UIL was today i dont know what i got on my ensemble blah. I think we did well though i hope we get a 1 because i want Courtney to get her letter jacket. Anyway yeah that was fun and i saw Nolan.. hehe didnt talk to him though because im to shy... haha me shy.... Anyway after that Me and My mom went to Katy Mills mall and ate at the rainforest cafe it was yummy and then went shopping i got the Halifax CD WOOT and a Fall Out Boy cd yesssss. Anyway thats basicly all that happened, but when we were in the Levi store i got asked if i worked there it was kinda weird. but thats about it. _Nikki_

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